One of our Home Parent Moms, Merri Heberlein, wrote the following as the heart-wrenching day approached for her to once again say good-bye to a child in her home:
I am a foster mom. I fight for re-unification, healing, and restoration. I help my children find forever families. I teach them to walk forward, seeking the light of a future unseen.
I love what I do and am blessed, but I go through many days that are hard. I cry over my children, I pray for them and with them, I listen to their stories, I enjoy their laughter, and I hold them dear. I call them my own, I invite them into a special place in my heart…and then I let them go.
Some don’t understand how I can do this. Some days I struggle myself, knowing that I will eventually have to watch them go; handing them over to different parents and families. I want to hold onto them forever, but they are a gift, a blessing that are not mine to keep. I know I am called to do this. Even though I don’t want to see my children go, I know that’s what God has called me to do. It is not easy watching them go – not knowing what is to become of them. Not knowing can be so painful at times.
Last night I prayed that God would give me comfort. I know I am doing His work, but sometimes I just don’t want to say good-bye. There is no way around it…when they move on it is hard! So I, like a little girl in her daddy’s arms, said, “Please help me walk this path. Please let it be ok to let them go on the path that You have designed for them.”
With that, I rested. This morning when I woke up, this is what was on my heart:
I am an instrument.
I love to play and sing music to God, and I know He enjoys my songs. I can not feel more at peace than when I am in His presence, worshipping. Being an instrument for Him will not always be easy. He is the Conductor. I am simply a part of His beautiful choir. Many times I want to sing and play the melody, finding it difficult to to be a harmonizing note. Most sopranos know this can be a struggle…to play a supportive role in a chord, rather than the beautiful highlight. But I am being called to find the heart of the chord, holding others above me, letting their melody soar among the rafters.
That nudging, that still small voice, went on to say, “You are doing a wonderful job. I know it is difficult for you, since I have not allowed you to see the sheet music. I know you struggle for harmony, since I do not always allow you to hear the notes around you. I know you think you are not strong enough to sustain a harmonizing note, but you are strong enough through Me. I know that you want to be able to hear their song, but you are not ready to hear it. You have a part to play in this song we are singing together. It is unclear, but I am calling you to sing it, and your part is beautiful. Do not be afraid. Respect my plan, and Trust Me.”
The thought of letting them move on and leave had never felt more beautiful and peaceful than it did this morning. It was humbling and graceful. As my children continue to move on, I hope to have played my part. Both their song and my song are changed forever! We are bonded in love, even if this is where a line of the song ends.
May you be blessed with the assurance that He finds your song beautiful.
–Merri Heberlein
